Birthday Evolution..

A letter to all my selves.

So here I am, on the eve of my birthday. I used to write in my diary on the 16th of January. I remember journaling when I turned 18, 21, and a giant list of ‘todos’ the year I turned 30. These yearly journal entries remind me how far I have come, how I have evolved, what layers have shifted and also what is constant and always the same (sometimes going backwards!) I am quite sentimental about my birthday and what my birthday means to me, my hopes and dreams for the year ahead, and all the amazing things from the current one. I also love that It is and always will be a connection to my mum, even though she is no longer here.

My birthday is my Day one, it is my New Year reset! That makes this evening my ‘New Years Eve’. I have a love/hate relationship with New Year's Eve, it is all quite confusing. all the planning to change and start a fresh on jan 1st, but we are encouraged to party and stay up into the next day with merriment and drinking! But how can we shift into January 1st if you're still out drinking at midnight or 2 a.m.? I don't think I've stayed up that late in a very long time, at least 10 years, before I had my daughter. Even then, New Year's was a bit of a schlep.

There was always so much pressure on New Year's Eve to become something new, or just the anticipation of it being really exciting. It had more excitement as a teenager than Christmas: the thrill of a party, staying up late. As I got older, it was the anticipation of sharing it with someone special. But there was always a lot of disappointment—plans fell through, parties were dampened by weather or rain or were not as good as the year before. I was fortunate when I met my husband; he's not a late-night person either, and had no real connection to New Year's Eve either. So being in bed by nine o'clock is a treat. We say "Happy New Year" and wake up refreshed. I prefer a New Year's walk. Now, we spend our New Year's Eve with notebooks and journals, planning exciting new things, the shifts we want in the coming year, holiday plans, and more.

Going back to my birthday: for me, birthdays are my true New Year. which means you can choose your new year! You don't have to wait till 31st Dec, you decide when it feels like the end of one shift and the start of settling into the next.

Like New Year’s, I like a simple birthday, a little but authentic fuss, simple pleasures, my favourite people, some homemade gifts and food. I'm not in the mood for big parties or celebrations anymore (but maybe this also might shift!).

This brings me to my evolution and cyclical wisdom. I was just looking through old photos, especially around or on my birthday, they remind me of my growth, "This is me, another year older." How? What a blessing to grow older. I know it's a privilege to see my body shifting and changing. I don't look back in glory at my younger self. Yes, my skin may have been softer, my body smaller (firmer, slimmer) , but I can truly say I'm more myself now—truly happier, more content, and more awake than ever. That comes with age and wisdom: knowing everything is always shifting, and the shift itself is the wisdom. Things constantly change and evolve, back and forth.

“Another year older and wiser”

My body shape, my hair colour (ok, that is my choice!),is always changing. Just when you think, "Oh ok, this is it, this is what I look like now," something else changes. We gain weight, lose it; get strong, lose tone; get flexible again, get injured. It's never the end. Just when I think, "This is it, I accept my space," another shift comes.

I remember after giving birth to my daughter, my body felt so different, transformed by a momentous shift. I wasn't the same person; a layer had peeled away, revealing someone new underneath, but I didn't quite recognise her. It was a strange place, I didn't feel comfortable in my skin. It took a while to fit into the new role, the new body. I had acceptance of the shape changes, the softer fitness. Yet my capacity for love grew bigger; my patience, outlook, and values shifted too.

But then I got fitter and stronger—running after a toddler, my weight fell off. I felt great, sinking into an awareness that certain things I'd never do again had come back. The same is happening now as I step into perimenopause: my body shifts hormonally; the fitness regime that used to work doesn't; foods affect me differently. One size doesn't fit all; unless they are stretchy yoga pants! The things I used to do aren't the same anymore. I can't party till 2 a.m. (nor do I want to). I don't want giant meals and drinks that leave me discontent; it wouldn't suit me. That doesn't mean I won't ever have frivolous, hedonistic nights focused purely on myself. But generally, I'm content with an easier rhythm of life.

It's not settling or giving up, it's acceptance, awareness, self-love without rigidity. It's santosha, contentment and joy, far more abundant, full of gratitude and love than I could imagine in my younger years. In our teens and 20s, we have no idea who we are; it's a mess of crazy thoughts. For me, the 20s were jumbled—coming to understand my mental health, always trying to fix what I thought was broken. Now I know there was nothing to fix; I just needed to see who I really was.

My 30s were about finding what I wanted from life, stepping into myself; I quite loved them, full of exploration. Then my 40s, with mothering, stripped back layers of who I thought I was in my 30s; I'm someone completely different now. I look forward to my 50s, where a new person will emerge. In 10 years, I'll look back and think, "Wow, she thought she knew something, but now I know more. (or less!)" The woman in her 60s will do the same, and if I'm fortunate for the 70s, 80s, 90s, I can't wait to reflect on the 17-year-old me, journaling what I wanted for the future, what I was letting go as a child.

This is my letter to myself, a reminder for my future self to celebrate these last couple of years in my 40s with joy, love, abundance, and simplicity. Enjoy the little things, nourish myself, wholesome, full of wisdom. To stand in that wisdom, share what I know and learnt. and also a letter to those past versions of me, the different layers

Here's to celebrating all these versions: the happy ones, the sad, grieving, joyful, optimistic, struggling ones. I see you, I hold you, and I hope my future self sees me now, giving the biggest hug, as I give you one too.

for more about cyclical living. and cycle awareness and cyclical wisdom. Follow along and read more.